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freedomisakiss
every second of the night, i live another life.

raindrops
are falling like tears

As beautiful as a leopard; I'm dressed in a coat of darkness and I trample on the lilies of hell. In order to approach the place where you are.


Jonah / Mai. 23rd of January. Aquarius. Xavier University - Ateneo. Friendster. Multiply. Plurk. Facebook. CelestialEuphoria.

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Saturday, August 22, 2009
the hottest love has the coldest end
@9:53 AM


There is no use of keeping destructive and depressing thoughts to myself. But since, there`s a lot of it lately (or since yesterday or the other day) I might not spill them all out.

I won't rant about what happened, I just want to write what I am feeling.

I feel scared, scared that you might turn your back at me. I`m scared that I might not be able to forget you. I really really want to forget you already but it's just too hard right now. I want to know what you're thinking. I want to know if there's a chance. I want to stop thinking. I want to hide. I want to drink something that would erase my memory. I wish someone would erase my memory. I'm looking forward to an accident that would definitely erase my memories. I don't wanna remember anything about it and about you.

I might not be able to talk to you or look at you when we meet again and I'm doing it for myself, so I can forget you. It`s disturbing me. The thought of you is distracting me and driving me insane. I can't afford to lose my sanity away. That's why I'm doing the most painful end, to make me learn.

I'm lost for words.

raindrops are falling like tears, maiyumi.co.nr
Friday, August 14, 2009
subconsciously
@11:21 PM


Today is tragic.

I betrayed myself while my friends were asking me about a certain thing. I blurted out the most truthful lie.

Though it`s a tragedy, it`s still funny. HA. HA. Shame on me.

I subconsciously mentioned someone`s name while answering their personal and curious questions. Damn it!

This was the first morning that I woke up and reminded myself to forget him. But then again, I was subconsciously blurting out his name out of nowhere. That`s just stupid... HAHA... and funny.

raindrops are falling like tears, maiyumi.co.nr
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
precise cause of an entry
@9:02 PM


Learning is a painful process.

And I'd like to think that all the pain in the world is because of Him trying to teach me something essential. I just hope I can understand the confusing parts.

Sometimes, no, maybe most of the time, I felt like everyone has their own properties in the world. Properties that could somehow, it seems to me, complete them. Of course, this might not be true. This is just how I feel about today. The delusion that I felt today is undecipherable. It didn't happen before, and I'd like to believe that it would not, ever, happen again.

Today is a perfect source of an entry. It's not just because something happened or the words are flowing on my mind or the ideas I have are too constructive. As you might obviously see, I am pretty much in a hanging state. This is a perfect source of an entry because today was bitter.

I wish I can just cry until total exhaustion tonight.

raindrops are falling like tears, maiyumi.co.nr
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Cruel
@11:13 PM


How much pain do I still awe other people for suffering this much?

I wonder if other people will also suffer the same amount of pain that I felt soon after they've hurt me. It's a shame that I have to struggle in place for someone's unreasonable happiness. For all my life, I have realized that building up a happy disposition that can last for weeks isn't really that easy. Crushing it to relish someone's ideas doesn't feel good at all.

Sometimes, I find myself being reassured and feeling okay. Now, looks like the reassurance has gone away. Even the only thing that can brace me is running me in circles.

Maybe, I just have to fade. Deteriorate.

I'll try to get by. Build another vivid... more vivid disposition. And take a good care of it.

It's like a broken glass. You can't fix it alone. You can't fix it at home. If you have fixed it alone and at home, you are lying. You need to have it fixed, tenderly, by a "professional". Let us say, a glassware house. By then, it's not only fixed... it is new. It feels like it wasn't broken at all and it's better than it was before. Before you try to use that glass again, you have to remember the cuts you had while picking up its pieces, the meds you put on the cuts, the effort you wasted in finding a glassware house, and the time you spent while trying to wait for the professional to fix it. You will definitely look after the glass and try to take care of it.

But then again, first, I have to fade. Deteriorate. To build another vivid disposition, vivid glass, painted not with cruelty.

raindrops are falling like tears, maiyumi.co.nr
Monday, August 3, 2009
auburn!
@10:25 PM



I want to dye my hair auburn. :(
So today, I got KO`d! It met the premonition last new year (that today would be ecstatic), but sadly, it hadn't or hasn't or just hadn't met my expectations. To forget all those unnecessary disappointments, I engrossed myself with photoediting and searching for haircolor in the net.

To brag, here it is... it's not something brag-worthy, though.

raindrops are falling like tears, maiyumi.co.nr