I wonder if other people will also suffer the same amount of pain that I felt soon after they've hurt me. It's a shame that I have to struggle in place for someone's unreasonable happiness. For all my life, I have realized that building up a happy disposition that can last for weeks isn't really that easy. Crushing it to relish someone's ideas doesn't feel good at all.

Sometimes, I find myself being reassured and feeling okay. Now, looks like the reassurance has gone away. Even the only thing that can brace me is running me in circles.

Maybe, I just have to fade. Deteriorate.

I'll try to get by. Build another vivid... more vivid disposition. And take a good care of it.

It's like a broken glass. You can't fix it alone. You can't fix it at home. If you have fixed it alone and at home, you are lying. You need to have it fixed, tenderly, by a "professional". Let us say, a glassware house. By then, it's not only fixed... it is new. It feels like it wasn't broken at all and it's better than it was before. Before you try to use that glass again, you have to remember the cuts you had while picking up its pieces, the meds you put on the cuts, the effort you wasted in finding a glassware house, and the time you spent while trying to wait for the professional to fix it. You will definitely look after the glass and try to take care of it.

But then again, first, I have to fade. Deteriorate. To build another vivid disposition, vivid glass, painted not with cruelty.