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freedomisakiss
every second of the night, i live another life.

raindrops
are falling like tears

As beautiful as a leopard; I'm dressed in a coat of darkness and I trample on the lilies of hell. In order to approach the place where you are.


Jonah / Mai. 23rd of January. Aquarius. Xavier University - Ateneo. Friendster. Multiply. Plurk. Facebook. CelestialEuphoria.

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Friday, July 11, 2008
Role-identity I DON'T KNOW.
@8:35 PM


It has been three weeks since the day I told my mother that I have had a difficulty in focusing my mind and heart in my course. Since then, I never thought that I will take up Education as my course in college because I have no interest in teaching and even talking in front. My interest has always been about arts, photography, writing, and all other things that will help me express my feelings. There is no course here in our city that offers those kinds of stuffs. And even after my graduation in High School I never thought of any course than those courses that can offer my desires. Soon after my graduation, I realized that there is no College that offers that here and I, myself, knew that I am not ready to be independent or study far from home. My parents also didn't mind about sending me into far schools because they CAN'T trust my age and mental stability. *lol*. With those things plus my innocence or simple mind, I needed to take the decision of my parents. I needed to pursue a course that doesn't really interest me, simply because I still have little understanding about EVERYTHING.

I never thought that I will get into this part. I feel like I'm a dragonfly trooping with butterflies. Everybody's mind is working (while mine doesn't work), and I'm working too. But I can still feel the feeling of being somewhere that I don't want to belong.

It has been one year since I took up this course, but I still can't find my heart inside it. Maybe, it's still so deep. Or maybe, my heart is simply NOT HERE.

Sometimes, I dream of myself doing what I want and it takes me eternity to dream about it because I don't want to open my eyes anymore and see what's real.

I love what I'm doing. Just as how I need to go to school and educate my self. I need to do it for my own future. I need to do it as a mature person. But I guess now, I'm more than ready to face independence and I am more responsible to take the path that I WANT. Too bad, my parent's close minds are more superior to my happiness.

Even before, I really don't want to fail in any thing that is why sometimes I settle for the mediocre. I don't want to gamble and take risks. But now, I've grown. I am more responsible and I am ready to fail just to test my heart and my abilities.

I have never tested my abilities even before. EVERYTHING THAT EVERYONE SEES RIGHT NOW IN ME IS JUST MEDIOCRE, because I'm still inside my closet—my shell. And even I don't know what's inside that shell. And because of my self-unawareness there rises the power of my curiosity. I do not intend to let others think about me, I just want myself. I want myself back—or want the self that I have been longing for since the day I got my conscience. I don’t want to think about other people, I just want to think about my self, this time.

My parents don’t agree with me. And maybe, they don’t trust me and my abilities. I don’t totally trust my abilities, but I trust my interest and the motivation that my spirit, soul and heart is giving me.

And because of these things, I DO NOT HAVE ANY FINANCIAL SUPPORT right now. *lol*. I have my weekly allowance from them, but I do not have any extras and pocket money which means that I’ll be ending my week with -500php savings. I’m running out of money and as time goes by I am becoming poorer. I do not want to plead for pocket money because I want them to see my enthusiasm. But I’m running out of savings. (Actually, I have no savings at this moment. It’s all burned and gone with the wind. *lol*) and continuing this no-pocket-money will make me poorer than ever.

For my self.

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