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freedomisakiss
every second of the night, i live another life.

raindrops
are falling like tears

As beautiful as a leopard; I'm dressed in a coat of darkness and I trample on the lilies of hell. In order to approach the place where you are.


Jonah / Mai. 23rd of January. Aquarius. Xavier University - Ateneo. Friendster. Multiply. Plurk. Facebook. CelestialEuphoria.

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Tuesday, August 12, 2008
disordered love. <3
@10:11 PM


I remembered our discussion on St. Agustine's philosophy of man in the Doctrine of Love. It's about disordered love.

As what I have learned in our class, disordered love is when you love something/someone more than it's capacity to love. I think it makes sense. Then, somehow if you are a person in love with another person - it is expected that you will expect something (LOVE) in return from the person you love. But, is love really enough? I mean, if someone you love tells you "I love you." does it satisfy you? Or you still want more of it? And then if the one you love doesn't love you back like the way you love them, you will feel pain and discontentment. Therefore, it is disordered.

As a human person, we are incomplete. And as we live in this world, we seek for something or someone who can make us complete, but then we end up hurting someone or ourselves.

We don't know that our incompleteness can only be satisfied by God and only God.


`chaaaar. wth am I talking about? My mind is too disordered right now because of some bothersome things.
`NOOOO! It's nothing about lovelife, I have no current love interest because I don't know if I the things that I really want, YESTERDAY.

Because today, I think I already know what is it that I want. *lol* I'm gonna study hard because I want to be successful and I want to EXPLORE THE WORLD. EXPLORE THE WORLD - that's what I want. I'm an amateur writer of LOVE STORIES (and some fantasies too), that will make me feel like I am living multiple lives. *sniffs* That's the only thing that can be made as my desire because that's the only thing that I can think of (that is proven). I mean, I AM A MULTI-TALENTED person who lacks MOTIVATION. And it sucks. *hahaha, am I bragging or what?* So, because I have MULTIPLE likes, I need to try them all and JUST DO WHAT I WANT TO DO.

My studies: for my parents (and myself, unconsciously)


PS: I've been to a recollection that's why I have all of these in mind.
PPS: I'm thinking too fast that is why there were many subjects and my topics are very constructive. *lol*
PPPS: I have poor order of thoughts and syntax because my mind can really think very fast that I failed to acknowledge everything on my thoughts, though I type fast.


They say that the cure of confusion and all the unexplainable things on the mind (like what I have now) is LOVE. (romantic) NAAAH~!



LIVE EACH DAY.
LIVE WITH A SMILE.

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raindrops are falling like tears, maiyumi.co.nr
Friday, July 11, 2008
Role-identity I DON'T KNOW.
@8:35 PM


It has been three weeks since the day I told my mother that I have had a difficulty in focusing my mind and heart in my course. Since then, I never thought that I will take up Education as my course in college because I have no interest in teaching and even talking in front. My interest has always been about arts, photography, writing, and all other things that will help me express my feelings. There is no course here in our city that offers those kinds of stuffs. And even after my graduation in High School I never thought of any course than those courses that can offer my desires. Soon after my graduation, I realized that there is no College that offers that here and I, myself, knew that I am not ready to be independent or study far from home. My parents also didn't mind about sending me into far schools because they CAN'T trust my age and mental stability. *lol*. With those things plus my innocence or simple mind, I needed to take the decision of my parents. I needed to pursue a course that doesn't really interest me, simply because I still have little understanding about EVERYTHING.

I never thought that I will get into this part. I feel like I'm a dragonfly trooping with butterflies. Everybody's mind is working (while mine doesn't work), and I'm working too. But I can still feel the feeling of being somewhere that I don't want to belong.

It has been one year since I took up this course, but I still can't find my heart inside it. Maybe, it's still so deep. Or maybe, my heart is simply NOT HERE.

Sometimes, I dream of myself doing what I want and it takes me eternity to dream about it because I don't want to open my eyes anymore and see what's real.

I love what I'm doing. Just as how I need to go to school and educate my self. I need to do it for my own future. I need to do it as a mature person. But I guess now, I'm more than ready to face independence and I am more responsible to take the path that I WANT. Too bad, my parent's close minds are more superior to my happiness.

Even before, I really don't want to fail in any thing that is why sometimes I settle for the mediocre. I don't want to gamble and take risks. But now, I've grown. I am more responsible and I am ready to fail just to test my heart and my abilities.

I have never tested my abilities even before. EVERYTHING THAT EVERYONE SEES RIGHT NOW IN ME IS JUST MEDIOCRE, because I'm still inside my closet—my shell. And even I don't know what's inside that shell. And because of my self-unawareness there rises the power of my curiosity. I do not intend to let others think about me, I just want myself. I want myself back—or want the self that I have been longing for since the day I got my conscience. I don’t want to think about other people, I just want to think about my self, this time.

My parents don’t agree with me. And maybe, they don’t trust me and my abilities. I don’t totally trust my abilities, but I trust my interest and the motivation that my spirit, soul and heart is giving me.

And because of these things, I DO NOT HAVE ANY FINANCIAL SUPPORT right now. *lol*. I have my weekly allowance from them, but I do not have any extras and pocket money which means that I’ll be ending my week with -500php savings. I’m running out of money and as time goes by I am becoming poorer. I do not want to plead for pocket money because I want them to see my enthusiasm. But I’m running out of savings. (Actually, I have no savings at this moment. It’s all burned and gone with the wind. *lol*) and continuing this no-pocket-money will make me poorer than ever.

For my self.

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raindrops are falling like tears, maiyumi.co.nr
Monday, July 7, 2008
DEAD WORM.
@10:18 PM


Ano ba naman to! Muntik na akong malaglag sa upuan sa mga nakita at nabasa ko. *lol* tsk. I don't know the reason behind the things that I have read and the things that I saw.

But anyway, I'm here again typing in my keyboard. *sniffs* I remembered Isay asking me about my archives. GAHD. Just as I thought, this layout is UNFRIENDLY. *lol* hehe. But I like it *sobs*. haha.

So, like I will have my prelim tomorrow in my major subject and I'm here again, surfing and typing and listening to URBANDUB's Guillotine. I don't know why I love blogging when my sched is really hectic. Maybe that is why I have my notebook. Or maybe because, kanina while I was going to school, saw a pig. Yes! The one who can "oink-oink"! I think the PIG [idk if that is a male or a female pig, whatever], is already dead this time! For sure pinagpi-piyestahan na yun ngayon. I saw it well tied and CRYING. *omg, sobs* The pig is so kawawa. Wala lang, I just thought that pigs....pigs.... yeah.... delicious.... *lol*.... but if you have seen the PIG that I saw kanina while going to school, then you'll understand why I'm like this right now. HAHA.


ahgajdgsjfhla


Kaya nga eh. Na late ako kanina sa first period. OMG. Baka ma AF na ako neto dahil sa dami ng late. I reflected on that pig so much that made me like a DEAD WORM habang naglalakad patungong STC 307.

PS: DEAD WORM. (credits to my brother) He called me Patay na Ulod. Or Dead WORM.

PPS: Uod na nga... tapos Patay pah! WTH? Then what kind of a slow poke am I? haha. xD

PPPS: My mother scolded me for staying in front of the computer TOO LATE now. Yeah, may pasok na kasi. And so, I need to be out. I was about to post some of my pix pa naman sana [for unreasonable purposes---I just wanna be vain at this moment. kaso...tsk]. Next time na lang. *lol*

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raindrops are falling like tears, maiyumi.co.nr